Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
