I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
