you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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