Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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