Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize