Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
