i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize