i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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