you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
