i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My bed smells like the plague
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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