Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
