In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
