Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
