I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize