Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
