I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
