Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
