dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
