I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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