I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
