Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
