Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
