im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize