Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize