then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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