worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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