Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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