You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize