Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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