he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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