Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
