I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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