im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize