He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
