Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
