i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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