White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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