The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
