Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
