why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
