my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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