things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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