party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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