Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
