The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize