I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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