epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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