I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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