So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
