u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I want to fling myself into the sun
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
