I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
