If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
