im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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