Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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