He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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