oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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