So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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