I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
