nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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