so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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