Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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