I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
